THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM A DUCK

-- Or, what doesn't have web feet, feathers and can't even quack? --

What does one do with an empty calendar?

The simple answer is to fill in the blanks with all manner of really important things to do. But, if you're like some folks, (with neither a calendar nor a “to-do” list), it's your lucky day to engage in diddly squat.

On the other hand, if you have a curious gene in your blessed body like yours truly, you may want to learn some rather important lessons about life from a duck of a different sort.

With a mere 39,000 websites devoted to this longest living creature on earth, the "geoduck", you'd think everyone would know a thing or two about this little gem that lives in a shell beneath the sea.

Okay, so you're not up to snuff on the humble geoduck. Trust me, being an edible, five-pound clam from the Pacific Coast does have certain advantages.

-- For one thing, it's a dandy little handle to have, but few can pronounce this seven-letter word correctly (it's “gooey-duck” if you really want to know).

-- Just when you thought all ducks have web feet, feathers, quack and live in marshlands built by Ducks Unlimited, this alien creature buried in sand and salt water comes along to prove you wrong; (now the real question is...do these critters ever grab some shut-eye...maybe even a power nap or snooze like the rest of us?)

-- Being old, having a very long neck, and no brain is cool (especially if you're a “wet one” who has no compelling need for dry diapers).

-- But, stay away from folks with fins, a high-velocity squirt gun, and underwater breathing apparatus (if you value your life or want to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for Longevity).

-- Telling everyone you went to school with “Tony the Tuna” won't win you any brownie points (because brownies don't live in the sea silly); so fess up admit you haven't got a clue who Neptune is, better yet “clam up” and behave yourself.

-- Do stop fretting about your lack of talent, skills, or business acumen, because if the only thing you've mastered is how to suck and spit, you've either got the makings of a first class slob (or else you're a genuine geoduck)!

-- Since you've always fancied yourself a bit of a catch or a fine delicacy, you'll be heartened to know that in China they adore your tasty flesh in soup, in a hot pot, or fresh with a bit of tangy sauce (what a relief -- no more wimpy fries, calorie-laden burgers, or chocolate milk shakes for you)!

Oh and by the way, in case you forgot, he who is able to keep his trap shut, suck wind, and bury his head in the sand will always be valued by those who live in big glass huts. More to the point, those who fancy a large serving of sushi or stir fry will never have to "dig deep" when you're around.

Just remember when everything seems to be spinning out of control around you put on a smile, take a another sip of your favorite hooch, and whatever you do ... KEEP CLAM!!